Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Please, I need your help











Maybe you've noticed, as I have, the sun is setting earlier and earlier, and rising later and later. In my Fox News-induced warped world view, I assumed this to be some sort of natural cycle; fortunately an enlightened liberal set me straight.
This ominous trend may well be caused by corporate greed and run-away consumerism. When is spending at its highest? Right before Christmas. Look what happens. Then, go to some equatorial third world country that is immune to capitalism and the greed it festers; it's sunny all the time.
So, I need to prove I've been wrong about conservative principles being better for everybody once and for all. I need your help! It's very important to participate whether you lean left or right.
Starting right now, everybody should espouse liberal thoughts and ideals. Developing and selling goods is bad. Sneer at SUV drivers. Hate all things successful. Give yourself over to the government, they'll take care of you. Feel good for paying more taxes; feel great if you can force others to pay more taxes instead.
Then, I've arbitrarily chosen December 21st as the study-shift date. This is necessary to form a control for the research. After the 21st, I need you to pray, or at least think positive thoughts. Try to imagine families where there's a mom, and a dad, and one of them is always home for the kids. Work hard, take responsibility for all your actions and decisions, and if you see someone in need for God's sake help them directly---not by supporting some 'program'. Think of ways to capitalize on your talents to make a profit, maybe employ others, and buy things that someone else built well.
I will diligently track the sun's trend. Since corporate greed is causing this, I expect things to change way before the 21st. Then after the 21st we'll see a reversal of the trend again towards more darkness if the theory is correct. When that happens I promise to reject Reagan and embrace Obama. I will trash Fox News and listen to Randy Rhoades. I'll admit that Hollywood elite really did know more about politics. I'll find beauty in people like Michael Moore and Larry Flint. And I'll....I'll...I'll buy me a hybrid car!

4 comments:

Lee said...

The term "enlightened liberal" made me spit out my coffee...

Anonymous said...

"Enlightened liberal" is like "military intelligence". It exists in theory only....

flyingvan said...

I use the term lightly. Lately lefties have taken to declaring themselves enlightened. It helps to win arguements. "I am enlightened, you are not. Therefore my opinion takes precedence". It's like when discussing matters of faith, a defense is, "Well, I have truth on my side" Umm O.K. I hearby declare everything I believe to be 'truth'. So there.

Lee said...

As your peer I reviewed your data and we have a consensus!

Feel free to delete any data you have.